Diary of the Miserable and Depressed: 2016

There reaches a point you just get tired of fighting. When you just done care and want it all to end. I've hit bottom so many times i've become numb from pain and too numb to care for life anymore...

My depression started after my Grandmother died but I never knew it till later. I was too innocent to understand, it was after they buried her I realized she was gone. And I was so angry. I knew she had been sick but what 9 year old can truely understand suffering or pain? I hated God for taking her and I hated her for leaving me. It took me years to loose that anger. During those years I died alittle at a time. I found it so hard to be happy that I simply broke down constantly.

But I was still a kid and I didnt want everyone else to be upset, so I bottled it up. Locked it out of sight. By the time I was in middle school I was a recluse inside and felt so void as I tried to pretend it never happened and act happy so no one would be sad about me like they were for my Grandmother.

I was still anrgy inside, still sad, but I had hope. "You'll see her again, in Heaven." was what stuck with me. I never forgot that. In my innocent mind Heaven was the place everyone went, all my family would be there and I wouldnt ever be sad or angry. But I was now too old, I had gotten angry with God and become more depressed because I didnt think he'd let me in. I tried to pray, tried to have faith but I thought God hated me too and that I was being punished. I was bullied and no one helped me or told me it would be okay even when I asked for help, I hated school and I hated life. If I thought God would of let me in Heaven, I would of started trying to die sooner.

Sometimes I got so sad I wasnt sure I cared, Hell would of been better then the pain I felt on Earth. But I had lost my Grandfather too and beloved pets now. I wanted to see them all again, tell them I loved them. So I tried to fight back the pain. But it was a war on two fronts. I was surronded and out numbered and it was too much. I couldnt even tell anyone how much I hurt because I didnt think anyone would care.

By High school, I had lost ground and started blacking out with headaches. Sometimes I woke up with slashes on my wrist made by knives from the kitchen, my small pocket knife I had recieve for Christmas, or even from my own nails. Sometimes I remembered making the cuts but I felt nothing.

Other kids talked about it at lunch, but never to me... They said it made them feel better, they would compare the scars like they were awards. I wandered if they would think highly of my fresh cuts, or if they would make fun of me too because they never scarred. Each week I added a new one but I never had a scar to share to show how much I hated life. I once cut so deep I saw the bone but still I couldnt die... I never felt relief, I never wanted attention, and I never got the result I wanted. It was just mindless cutting when my mind was lost in the dark void.

But it wasnt always a dark void. Other times it was crushing sadness. At first I could fight off the fits of crying till I was alone. Save them for the night when no one would know. But as time went on, they happened during school hours when I was too weak from lack of sleep to fight them. I got caught and started Therapy.

Therapy and medicane never made me feel better, but they gave me excuses to get away from school, when did help. The stress made it harder to fight off. The lack of sleep didnt help the blackouts either. I didnt want to be sent away though. So I tried to make it go away.

I fooled you too. It never stopped, it hasnt for years. Each day I fight back that pain... Each day I try to smile so no one else will be sad. I try to do what you want, I try to be a good person. But the truth is I hate life. Im so tired. I feel lost and I want it to end but I just didnt want to make my mom sad.

I cant tell anyone the truth, I cant be who I am, now my head is screwed up. I dream about dying and finding peace, whenever its quiet the fits try to take over and I fight back tears. I have to run away just to find control and I cant even say the truth. Is it okay the lie when its to protect someone though? No one ever teaches you that...

Today I thought about dying again. But not alone.. I thought about if there was a way to painlessly make my dogs die too. I love them and dont want them to suffer. I dont care if I bleed out, but I want them to be peaceful. I want to find a way to help them go like that. That way I leave no burdens behind. But I dont think I could do it to them... I love them but not enough to kill them. I know they panic when I cut myself. They never react well to my blood. Maybe It would of scarred or atleast kept bleeding if they werent there. They lick the wounds and my tears without fail... It makes me feel guilty.

Their innocent and caring. Like I use to be. They are the reason I keep fighting back the pain when I try to let go. But no one would understand that. Do you even understand or care yourself? If I tried to say this now in my words would you let me? Or would you ignore me and play on your phone? Or interrupt me like what I said didnt matter as much as your own random topic? Or maybe you'd tell me you understood and that im wrong even though I always think im right apparently... So many times I try to tell someone but only people who dont know me and get paid to listen would listen. They werent the ones I needed to listen...

But none of that matters now... Now you finally heard what i've been feeling for all these years. It doesnt make me feel better to put any of this out there. I know my words will hurt some.. But I know the people that matter most will never understand and will say im wrong, weak, that they've had it worse. The advice that others had it worse never made my pain any less real either, in fact it made me feel even worse about myself for being in pain at all which caused MORE pain. But you will think what you want, atleast I finally got to speak.

　

I thought about it, and I guess i'll sit in the tub and cut my wrist. I'll lock the door so you cant reach me. This time i'll get through and it'll be over. I'll enjoy my last meat. Stale rolls with cheese and chicken. I'll kiss my dogs and scratch their ears one last time and tell them what I never got to tell everyone else i've lost, just how much I love them and hope to see them again in a better place. And God I hope I get there after doing this...

Mom im sorry for everything i've done and wish I could of been less of a disappointment to you... If I could I would give you the years back you wasted on me but I cant. Atleast now I know I wont take anymore from you. I truely hope you'll finally be happy mom. Thats all I want for you.

Dad, you were never here when I really needed you. I loved and defended you my entire life because I believed you cared about me, even though now I cant think that. The truth is you chose other women, sex, and their children over me. You were my father and I needed you and you were being a dad to kids that werent even yours. I tried so hard to never think like that. I tried for so many years to not question everyone why you would want to care for any child like me. I remember seeing you with them and looking happy but you and my mom always fought. I remember seeing you as a family with them while I grew up without you and I never understood why. I asked my grandmother once and she couldnt tell me why you did that to me, I wanted to ask you but I dont know if you'd give me the truth.

You came to see me when you were alone or wanted something and I was grateful because I got time with my father at long last. But now I cant even think of it like that... Now I see you coming over to do other things like use the internet or talk to my boyfriend about games. I am jealous, and im so angry about that. But it still hurts that after all these years you still cant just be my dad. Thats all I ever wanted from you. I didnt want money or lies, I just wanted to finally have my dad.

But I forgive you for everything because I dont want you to think I wouldnt. I'll die still loving you despite everything and I hope you'll remember me as the happy kid I was before the depression. The one who was too innocent to understand death and was so happy to just go do something with you that it didnt matter if I was wanted by anyone else. All I want for you is that you survive and learn to love life and yourself. Please dont feel guilt for anything I said and be nice to Lee.

Baby... our relationship has been love and hate, off and on for years. But you always a good friend and half the time, I think you really cared. But you are also a brat, video game obessed nerd that needs a life. 90% of the time your pissy unless your on a game of some sort and I hate that. I wanted a life that could include games but not revolve around that. Im not sure you could ever give me that... I honestly wonder if I matter to you or if you are so scared you'd be alone if you didnt choose to date me so you wouldnt be the 80 year old virgin.

I believe your a good guy, but you have to let go of your past to move past it. You also need anger management. Once you do that, you wont need meds. Once you man up and get a job I dont think you'll need financial support either...

Your cute, funny, and sweet. I hope you'll find prettier and better then me and not continue to live this way. I love you with all my heart.

Diary of the Miserable and Depressed

Music for the Hurt

To Whom it May Concern--The Suicide Note