Damage of Parents

There's nothing more painful then to be the child of a adult who didnt want be a parent, or a adult for that matter.

For me, it was a father still playing frat boy and a mother who wasnt ready to stop living it up as a teenager.  Not a shock, I wasnt planned.

Early years filled with fights and little contact with either are cloudy, but the divorce was far worse.  Then neither was a around.  Awarded to a parent who decided parenting was only worthy of the child who's mother was screwing him.  The uncloudy years are a confusing as I lived with caring grandparents and watched a young father spoil the daughters of lovers and shower the with love while his own flesh and blood never saw him but in quick glances as he came to ask for money from his parents or see the child he didnt want to avoid threats from family.

The man who legally owned me was not allowed alone with me after incidents that included abandonment and dangerous to my health.  Apparently just because your new wife says your daughter cant stay doesnt make it okay to have a 8 year old walk a mile back to a trailer in the middle of no where alone.  The fact that the door was locked.

Thank god no one was crazy in 2001, I might of ended up dead as I walked about another half a mile to reach a neighboor and make a call.  Not that a eight year old would think it was a stupid idea.  I didnt even have a mentality to fully understand that my father should never do something like that.  I just did as I was told and thought I was in trouble.  What kid understands that the only thing they ever did wrong was that they were born and naturally wanted to be part of their parents life?

My mother was only able to visit me every other weekend.  Atleast she felt a loss during those years.  She had time to get the party out of her system and wanted to see me when she could till custody was no longer enforced.

If not for my grandparents, I would of never known what a really parent was suppose to be like.  A loving mother who taught me how to cook, sew, and have a strong work ethic.  A father who cared, protected, and showed interest.  They were the model my parents never filled but gave me a stable place in a unstable world.

By ten my grand mother was taken by cancer.  My stable area crashed and shattered and I became bitter.  It was hard to understand and harder because she was my mother figure.  My own mother was able to become more involved then, but as my rose colored glasses lifted, I found lacking.

I saw my mother as a vain, teenager who wasnt ready to grow up but felt responsible.  I saw my father as a man unable to care for me unless he was alone.  And my grandfather just wasted away.

Its no wonder I fell into a deep sucidal depression in high school.  My grandfather gone, no contact with my father and his new family at all, and a mother who was now growing bitter with her life.  She never had to say it directly for me to get the picture:  I ruined her life because I took her freedom.

Now in college I cannot escape.   My mother has no one and my father is a promise never fulfilled.  My mother regressing to a more childlike manner.  She sees herself as a saint while pinning all problems and faults to me.  She sits at the bottom and pushes me lower to elevate herself.

I'd never share these thoughts aloud.  They would be turned against me in a heartbeat.  Even if true, who would believe me when I never let on im damaged by it?  But who willingly shares this either..


L