Music for the Hurt

I know this isn't really the best fit for what it is about, but I made this blog so people could vent and share their pain.  See their not the only ones who hurt.


When I still suffer from depression, but it was worse.  I use to cut, take pills... I truly wanted to die and it was a horrible place to be.  But I found that not being alone, writing, and music helped me cope.

But theres a fine line with music...  Any fool can see that Death Metal and Screamo probably aren't the best choices when you feel like dying.  May as well listen to the Blues.  But classical and uppity pop aren't exactly helping you cope either.

I had a friend who showed me some "Christian rock" bands that didn't sound like what I thought was really Christian music.  They had uplifting and relatable messages when the type of sound that could helped.  Honestly, I wasn't into the religion thing during that time and never would of thought they were really meant to be that type of thing.


The best I found was Icon for Hire They were super relatable since a lot of the songs were meant for people suffering from depression, self hatred, things that every teen felt.  Hearing someone talking about the things I couldn't and saying it could get better was better then any sugar pill the doctors could give.


I still listen to them today because I get down and it feels... Just horrible.  But music can give me something besides my inner demons and static to focus on and its just more engaging then TV.


Some others I enjoy are Skillet, Red, Thousand Foot Krutch, Ashes Remain, Fireflight, and Pillar.

They all have a Rock or Metal feel but they tend to have a message that helps me get through the bad spells...  That's not saying every song is that way, but for the most part...  It helps.

If your interested try a few of these from these bands, maybe they'll help one of you like they did me.

Hope of Morning-Icon for Hire

On my Own-Ashes Remain

Under the Knife-Icon for Hire

I'm Sick-Icon for Hire

Those Nights-Skillet

Feel Invincible-Skillet

Unbreakable-Fireflight

Get Well-Icon for Hire

Fireproof-Pillar

Scream-Thousandfoot Krutch

Shadows-Red

The Last Night-Skillet

If you have some bands or songs that help you when its tough, drop a comment.  Music is a powerful thing, and though were all miserable, that doesn't mean we deserve to die. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel if you keep fighting. Your not alone, even when you think you are.

W

To Whom it May Concern--The Suicide Note

There reaches a point you just get tired of fighting. When you just done care and want it all to end. I've hit bottom so many times i've become numb from pain and too numb to care for life anymore...

My depression started after my Grandmother died but I never knew it till later. I was too innocent to understand, it was after they buried her I realized she was gone. And I was so angry. I knew she had been sick but what 9 year old can truely understand suffering or pain? I hated God for taking her and I hated her for leaving me. It took me years to loose that anger. During those years I died alittle at a time. I found it so hard to be happy that I simply broke down constantly.

But I was still a kid and I didnt want everyone else to be upset, so I bottled it up. Locked it out of sight. By the time I was in middle school I was a recluse inside and felt so void as I tried to pretend it never happened and act happy so no one would be sad about me like they were for my Grandmother.

I was still anrgy inside, still sad, but I had hope. "You'll see her again, in Heaven." was what stuck with me. I never forgot that. In my innocent mind Heaven was the place everyone went, all my family would be there and I wouldnt ever be sad or angry. But I was now too old, I had gotten angry with God and become more depressed because I didnt think he'd let me in. I tried to pray, tried to have faith but I thought God hated me too and that I was being punished. I was bullied and no one helped me or told me it would be okay even when I asked for help, I hated school and I hated life. If I thought God would of let me in Heaven, I would of started trying to die sooner.

Sometimes I got so sad I wasnt sure I cared, Hell would of been better then the pain I felt on Earth. But I had lost my Grandfather too and beloved pets now. I wanted to see them all again, tell them I loved them. So I tried to fight back the pain. But it was a war on two fronts. I was surronded and out numbered and it was too much. I couldnt even tell anyone how much I hurt because I didnt think anyone would care.

By High school, I had lost ground and started blacking out with headaches. Sometimes I woke up with slashes on my wrist made by knives from the kitchen, my small pocket knife I had recieve for Christmas, or even from my own nails. Sometimes I remembered making the cuts but I felt nothing.

Other kids talked about it at lunch, but never to me... They said it made them feel better, they would compare the scars like they were awards. I wandered if they would think highly of my fresh cuts, or if they would make fun of me too because they never scarred. Each week I added a new one but I never had a scar to share to show how much I hated life. I once cut so deep I saw the bone but still I couldnt die... I never felt relief, I never wanted attention, and I never got the result I wanted. It was just mindless cutting when my mind was lost in the dark void.

But it wasnt always a dark void. Other times it was crushing sadness. At first I could fight off the fits of crying till I was alone. Save them for the night when no one would know. But as time went on, they happened during school hours when I was too weak from lack of sleep to fight them. I got caught and started Therapy.

Therapy and medicane never made me feel better, but they gave me excuses to get away from school, when did help. The stress made it harder to fight off. The lack of sleep didnt help the blackouts either. I didnt want to be sent away though. So I tried to make it go away.

I fooled you too. It never stopped, it hasnt for years. Each day I fight back that pain... Each day I try to smile so no one else will be sad. I try to do what you want, I try to be a good person. But the truth is I hate life. Im so tired. I feel lost and I want it to end but I just didnt want to make my mom sad.

I cant tell anyone the truth, I cant be who I am, now my head is screwed up. I dream about dying and finding peace, whenever its quiet the fits try to take over and I fight back tears. I have to run away just to find control and I cant even say the truth. Is it okay the lie when its to protect someone though? No one ever teaches you that...

Today I thought about dying again. But not alone.. I thought about if there was a way to painlessly make my dogs die too. I love them and dont want them to suffer. I dont care if I bleed out, but I want them to be peaceful. I want to find a way to help them go like that. That way I leave no burdens behind. But I dont think I could do it to them... I love them but not enough to kill them. I know they panic when I cut myself. They never react well to my blood. Maybe It would of scarred or atleast kept bleeding if they werent there. They lick the wounds and my tears without fail... It makes me feel guilty.

Their innocent and caring. Like I use to be. They are the reason I keep fighting back the pain when I try to let go. But no one would understand that. Do you even understand or care yourself? If I tried to say this now in my words would you let me? Or would you ignore me and play on your phone? Or interrupt me like what I said didnt matter as much as your own random topic? Or maybe you'd tell me you understood and that im wrong even though I always think im right apparently... So many times I try to tell someone but only people who dont know me and get paid to listen would listen. They werent the ones I needed to listen...

But none of that matters now... Now you finally heard what i've been feeling for all these years. It doesnt make me feel better to put any of this out there. I know my words will hurt some.. But I know the people that matter most will never understand and will say im wrong, weak, that they've had it worse. The advice that others had it worse never made my pain any less real either, in fact it made me feel even worse about myself for being in pain at all which caused MORE pain. But you will think what you want, atleast I finally got to speak.

　

I thought about it, and I guess i'll sit in the tub and cut my wrist. I'll lock the door so you cant reach me. This time i'll get through and it'll be over. I'll enjoy my last meat. Stale rolls with cheese and chicken. I'll kiss my dogs and scratch their ears one last time and tell them what I never got to tell everyone else i've lost, just how much I love them and hope to see them again in a better place. And God I hope I get there after doing this...

Mom im sorry for everything i've done and wish I could of been less of a disappointment to you... If I could I would give you the years back you wasted on me but I cant. Atleast now I know I wont take anymore from you. I truely hope you'll finally be happy mom. Thats all I want for you.

Dad, you were never here when I really needed you. I loved and defended you my entire life because I believed you cared about me, even though now I cant think that. The truth is you chose other women, sex, and their children over me. You were my father and I needed you and you were being a dad to kids that werent even yours. I tried so hard to never think like that. I tried for so many years to not question everyone why you would want to care for any child like me. I remember seeing you with them and looking happy but you and my mom always fought. I remember seeing you as a family with them while I grew up without you and I never understood why. I asked my grandmother once and she couldnt tell me why you did that to me, I wanted to ask you but I dont know if you'd give me the truth.

You came to see me when you were alone or wanted something and I was grateful because I got time with my father at long last. But now I cant even think of it like that... Now I see you coming over to do other things like use the internet or talk to my boyfriend about games. I am jealous, and im so angry about that. But it still hurts that after all these years you still cant just be my dad. Thats all I ever wanted from you. I didnt want money or lies, I just wanted to finally have my dad.

But I forgive you for everything because I dont want you to think I wouldnt. I'll die still loving you despite everything and I hope you'll remember me as the happy kid I was before the depression. The one who was too innocent to understand death and was so happy to just go do something with you that it didnt matter if I was wanted by anyone else. All I want for you is that you survive and learn to love life and yourself. Please dont feel guilt for anything I said and be nice to Lee.

Baby... our relationship has been love and hate, off and on for years. But you always a good friend and half the time, I think you really cared. But you are also a brat, video game obessed nerd that needs a life. 90% of the time your pissy unless your on a game of some sort and I hate that. I wanted a life that could include games but not revolve around that. Im not sure you could ever give me that... I honestly wonder if I matter to you or if you are so scared you'd be alone if you didnt choose to date me so you wouldnt be the 80 year old virgin.

I believe your a good guy, but you have to let go of your past to move past it. You also need anger management. Once you do that, you wont need meds. Once you man up and get a job I dont think you'll need financial support either...

Your cute, funny, and sweet. I hope you'll find prettier and better then me and not continue to live this way. I love you with all my heart.

Damage of Parents

There's nothing more painful then to be the child of a adult who didnt want be a parent, or a adult for that matter.

For me, it was a father still playing frat boy and a mother who wasnt ready to stop living it up as a teenager.  Not a shock, I wasnt planned.

Early years filled with fights and little contact with either are cloudy, but the divorce was far worse.  Then neither was a around.  Awarded to a parent who decided parenting was only worthy of the child who's mother was screwing him.  The uncloudy years are a confusing as I lived with caring grandparents and watched a young father spoil the daughters of lovers and shower the with love while his own flesh and blood never saw him but in quick glances as he came to ask for money from his parents or see the child he didnt want to avoid threats from family.

The man who legally owned me was not allowed alone with me after incidents that included abandonment and dangerous to my health.  Apparently just because your new wife says your daughter cant stay doesnt make it okay to have a 8 year old walk a mile back to a trailer in the middle of no where alone.  The fact that the door was locked.

Thank god no one was crazy in 2001, I might of ended up dead as I walked about another half a mile to reach a neighboor and make a call.  Not that a eight year old would think it was a stupid idea.  I didnt even have a mentality to fully understand that my father should never do something like that.  I just did as I was told and thought I was in trouble.  What kid understands that the only thing they ever did wrong was that they were born and naturally wanted to be part of their parents life?

My mother was only able to visit me every other weekend.  Atleast she felt a loss during those years.  She had time to get the party out of her system and wanted to see me when she could till custody was no longer enforced.

If not for my grandparents, I would of never known what a really parent was suppose to be like.  A loving mother who taught me how to cook, sew, and have a strong work ethic.  A father who cared, protected, and showed interest.  They were the model my parents never filled but gave me a stable place in a unstable world.

By ten my grand mother was taken by cancer.  My stable area crashed and shattered and I became bitter.  It was hard to understand and harder because she was my mother figure.  My own mother was able to become more involved then, but as my rose colored glasses lifted, I found lacking.

I saw my mother as a vain, teenager who wasnt ready to grow up but felt responsible.  I saw my father as a man unable to care for me unless he was alone.  And my grandfather just wasted away.

Its no wonder I fell into a deep sucidal depression in high school.  My grandfather gone, no contact with my father and his new family at all, and a mother who was now growing bitter with her life.  She never had to say it directly for me to get the picture:  I ruined her life because I took her freedom.

Now in college I cannot escape.   My mother has no one and my father is a promise never fulfilled.  My mother regressing to a more childlike manner.  She sees herself as a saint while pinning all problems and faults to me.  She sits at the bottom and pushes me lower to elevate herself.

I'd never share these thoughts aloud.  They would be turned against me in a heartbeat.  Even if true, who would believe me when I never let on im damaged by it?  But who willingly shares this either..


L

An Intro

As the name suggests, this is a type of Diary for some very Miserable individuals.  You'll come to know us as some sort of name we choose to hide behind as we are miserable enough.  Cant have word getting out about that...

I wonder if you've noticed the way people tend to treat those that aren't quite right.  Those that are too perky or depressed.  The people that are abit more them and a lot less everyone else. 

You really cant be different in real life.  But strangely, you can be exactly who you are in voiceless comments and faceless games.  That's why the shy kid from Economics is the bastard calling you a bitch and whore on your YouTube page.  Its how the gay football captain opens to SOMEONE that he just doesn't know why hes different, why he likes the sweet, overweight guy in class instead of the hot cheerleader that's always hanging off his arm. 

By being voiceless, faceless you can actually open, bare your soul.  After all.  Who am I to you?  I could be your daughter.  Your Son.  Your mother or father.  I could be that kid sitting behind you in homeroom.  I could be the boss that's always riding your ass, wouldn't that be a shocker?

But you don't know and wouldn't believe me if I told you.  But you don't need to know me to know my story.  Our stories.  We can be faceless, nameless, voiceless.  The who doesn't matter. 

Just the words that follow, the feelings they brought, and the way you choose to see them.

So, will you read and understand?